Sep 03

“My First Time Driving Experience” and Advice

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My Life Stories

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Before I start, let’s get this elephant out of the room. I’m an Asian male, and I know you have your stereotypes in your head – whether subconsciously or just plain judgmentally.

My first time driving was just earlier this week, and let me tell you, it was not pleasant. It resembled more to a fighting scene in a Transformer movie than the ending scene of a modern day love story.

So the story begins one morning in late August. I had recently signed up for the 6-hour driving program required for all GDL drivers. Now, I had previously thought that driving would be a breeze, after all, women could do it. However, the difficulty greatly exceeded my expectations.

Driving for the first time was extremely arduous. I found out no matter how many times you watched Ryan Gosling in Drive, your right and left turns will be nauseatingly out of control.

I had anticipated driving as a basic task, but it’s not. Did you know that the gas and brake pedals are not like on/off switches? You actually have to visualize how much acceleration or decline is necessary and push the pedal down accordingly. So pushing lightly causes a slight change in acceleration/deceleration.

 

I recommend that before doing anything with the car, you do what I did. I suggest that you first go to an empty parking lot and just get a feel for the car.

 

Practice controlling the car and sitting on the left side of the car, then you can buy some practice squirrels at your local pet store to run over. I find it’s always best to be prepared. And if you live in a rural area, go buy yourself a deer and study how to avoid the most damage to your front bumper when you smash one of those furry creatures.

 

Another thing about driving, it’s hard to tell how wide the car is compared to the outside curb and such. I feel like I’m going down the street in Rosie O’Donnell’s body.

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Aug 31

“My Mother Can’t Cook”

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My Life Stories

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Watching the Food Network is how I get through lunch. A bottle of water is my breakfast. Two bottles if I’m hungry. And dinner is all up to chance.

That’s basically my dietary routine whenever my mother wanders into the kitchen.  She’s the type of stay-at-home mother who you’d want at home to maintain a hunger strike.

A week with her and you’ll be sitting next to an African child on the next Feed the Children infomercial.

Cooking has never been one of my mother’s abilities. Even worse, she keeps attempting to improve. You might have heard something similar before in a stand-up routine, but believe me, this is no joke.

Have you ever had “salad” that contained more garlic than green? What about a bowl of food that seemed like the ingredients couldn’t decide whether to be a solid or liquids, so it just stayed “undecided”?

That’s just a glimpse of the bizarre foods that climbed its way into my plate.

Whenever my mother provides food, it’s almost never touched. It’s not to prove a point to my mother, this is just a conclusion that I’ve come up with. It is much more nutritious to lay down on my bed than to waste my energy forcing burnt, unidentifiable atoms down my esophagus, only to regurgitate it all back.

Sometimes I would regurgitate more than I consumed. How would I know this? Well, it’s fairly easy. You  flatten out the upchuck until you can see the majority of it. Then, anything that doesn’t resemble charcoal was food from before.

I couldn’t count the days that I’ve daydreamed about having prison food. Mostly because I lost track of how many times my mom cooked.

So what I’m proposing is to ban people such as my mother from ever preparing edibles again. Hardly anyone has the ability to keep the food down, so the ingredients ended up being used in vain. Especially in the current circumstances of world hunger, a mass prohibition on wasteful cooking would save enough food for the entire world to eat. Just not in big bites.

 

Now that I’ve solved world hunger, I’m off to fix another one of life’s problems.

I’m leaning towards having Flava Flav’s show deleted from the internet. What do you think I should do?

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Aug 26

“High School Soccer Tryout Tips”

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Life Advice

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Since you’re reading this, I have a pretty good hunch that you’re in going to try out for the High School soccer team. And you’ve come to me for wisdom.

Therefore, wisdom is what you shall receive. Take a seat, my friend. And learn.

 

Follow all of these tips and I guarantee you a spot in my heart, but nothing more.

  • Be a smart soccer player:  Although this is a tryout, you still have to play smart. It’s still 11 vs 11 soccer, meaning that you have 10 other people who also want to touch the ball. So, don’t be a selfish ball-hog, unless you’re the next Pelé protégé. If so, you should be kissing girls and getting massages; what are you doing reading this garbage-blog.

Tip: Look for someone to pass to before you receive the ball and try to 1 touch pass the ball if you don’t have space. If you have space, dribble the ball until someone decides to pressure. You’d rather pass the ball than have a turnover, trust me. Oh, and one more thing, don’t pressure a ball if a goalie is running after it. You’ll hurt the goalie and you’ll have to resort to soccer maintenance manager, or laundry boy depending on where you live.

 

  • Running is important, but not everything: If your school soccer team has ever won a game, it’s likely there’s a set time that the coaches wants you to break. Now, I’ve seen people take this as a requirement instead of a preference. People would train all the time over summer just to make the time. However, that’s all they would train, and they expect to be a starter. If the coach wanted track stars, he would coach fuc*ing track! Just remember, if you’re not last, focus on your soccer skills. After all, soccer skills are a big part of playing soccer.

 

  • Be Obedient: You may not like the taste of butt, but you’ll have to kiss it for a couple of days. When the coach wants everyone to get a drink or gather around, you better jog it in. This shows enthusiasm and dedication to the tryouts, since you’re jogging even though you’re exhausted and don’t want to waste time by walking. Moreover, when the coach is giving a speech, no matter how monotonous or exhilarating it is, at least pretend to give your full attention. Don’t be a nuisance by talking or making a sound. Also, if the coach sees potential in you, he/she will often give you pointers. During this time, stop playing and face him the coach when he/she is talking. Coaches love it when athletes seem teachable.

 

 

  • Be Vocal / Sociable: Being dedicated to soccer requires more than a perfect attendance record. That might have gotten you an award in 2nd grade, maybe even a temporary line leader position. However, your participation with the soccer team has to be more active than a grizzle bear in a kiddie-pool with salmon. Treat strangers as close friends, and for those people who deserve to lick dog poop for a living, just stay on friendly terms and avoid conflict. This will show the coach that you’ll have no problems settling into the soccer team. Therefore, you’ll be valued higher than someone who is better at soccer but holds a grudge against many of the other players. Hey, you might even become captain. In that case, tell them where you first discovered your talents (here).
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Aug 20

“Blogs aren’t Giving Links”

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HIghlights of the week, My Opinion

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       I’ve been around the blogging game for as many years as I’ve had something useful to say. So for the year that I’ve been blogging, I noticed how hard it is to break through to the top. The game has changed, and not for the better. Thus, this can only mean one thing; the blogging game has changed for the worse.

What I’m talking about today is the fact that blogs aren’t linking like their supposed to. If you’re a fellow blogger, or just an attentive reader of garbage blogs, you may have noticed these “elite” blogs have no outgoing links to other blogs.

This creates a disturbance in the blog-chain, causing all the kiss-ass blogs, who were stranded by the aristocratic blogs, to tighten their butt-cheeks. The end results are herds of gregarious bloggers who have to wander the streets, soliciting for a few pity PR1 backlinks.

My foundation, the Bloggers Interactions through Clicking Help, is set to open the hearts of the blogging community to cite other valuable articles.

Let me explain linking to other blogs to those who have never read the blogging handbook. For starters, giving out backlinks in reasonable portions (1 per 100 words) never killed anyone important. So don’t think that it’ll ruin your “value” or stuck-up ways.

 

Distributing backlinks is the equivalent of administering high-fives and gratitude in real life. If you find something provocative or amusing in the real world, you generally want to slap some skin. In cases where people share another person’s opinion or research, you typically mention the other person’s name. That’s how it’s done in real life, and that’s how it’s supposed to be on the internet.

 

Here’s an example:

Have you ever heard a really funny joke from your friend that you had to share with your other friends? Yeah, we all did. However, did you tell the joke as if you’re the original distributor and take all the credit? No, because they don’t allow my blog at hospitals.

 

“Hey Billy, a horse walks into a bar. Then he is unable to comprehend, shits on the floor, then leaves. “

Correct Version: “Hey Billy, wanna hear a joke that Chaz told me?  A horse walks into a bar. Then he is unable to comprehend, shits on the floor, then leaves. “

 

Also, as I said, giving a link on your post is like a high-five. Here’s a real life example. If you’re one of the few in a particular room, and someone starts a presentation about the wild, erotic intercourse they had with Jennifer Love Hewitt. I mean the real deal too, videos, testimonials, play-by-play coverage, souvenirs, and such.

Then, later when you go home to your family, you start babbling on and on about the cute cat meme you saw on your phone while driving home.  Give the lucky man a high five and share the video with all your work buddies! Damn it.

Also, whenever you actually spot a link in the post of these blogs, it’s always to another post in the blog. Linking to yourself once or twice can be permitted in a post, but once you start making the whole show about yourself, it gets pathetic.

It’s acceptable to give yourself a little praise every now and then. We could all use some.

Good Job Peter! You’re the best person for the job AND your skin is silky smooth.

However, there’s a line to be drawn.

You don’t want to be like that guy in school who would always be in his own world; mumbling about himself, to himself.  People will steer clear of you as if you’re retarded or something. Then I would have to walk away because that person told security on me.

 

Moral of the story: Actively link to other blog posts, and you won’t sit alone during lunch.

 

 

Posts From Other Websites:

5 Reasons YOU Need to Link to Other Blogs
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Aug 19

“Key To Making Friends”

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Social Advice

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If I had a brief encounter with two people in person, I can bet you anything that I know who has more friends. Rather, I’ll recognize who subconsciously knows the key to making friends more. This blueprint to making friends isn’t some cheap way of making a short-term friend through being someone fake, that’s what money is for.

In fact, it’s a way to reel in more potential friends to receive the opportunity to really get to know them.  Just think of the key as the brownies real estate agents use to lure in hungry home-buyers. And maybe lock the doors too.

 

I know I’ve wrote about the “7 Types Of Friends Everyone Should Have”, but this is just basic fundamentals
 
 

The Key: Show Confidence

Whether you have flawless teeth, straight A’s, or an eight inch killer, we all have our own insecurities.

Think about it, the fabulous people are always trying to maintain a high persona. While, the aspiring losers are afraid to embrace outdoors life, in fear of ridicule. And everyone in between are just a bunch of no-bodies who don’t read my posts. Including my own friends.

Everyone, if they show it or not, is self-conscious. They secretly hide it away and wish for it to disappear. However, if we learned anything from Child Support Services, running away from your annoying problem will only delay an inevitable bite in the ass.

Anyways, you need to, at the very least, appear to be more confident; like O.J Simpson pleading not guilty. Now there’s a few ways you can go about this.

 

You should never be afraid to speak up and if you open your mouth, go ahead and fully commit. Speak all the nonsense you can and don’t stop until you start getting hate mail.

It doesn’t matter if you appear to be slightly arrogant. That just gives the impression that you’re not afraid to speak your mind and don’t give two rat’s ass what other people think about you.  Sometimes, you even have to go out of your way to appear extra sociable.

 

If you see my future wife, a real 10 out of 10 hottie, I give you permission to “holler” at her. Make it as loud and obnoxious as the next door construction crew. This will give yourself the image that you’re not afraid to chase girls in my league or get a call to your momma.

 

People will generally start to be more interested in whatever else you have to say. You will subconsciously be labeled as a confident man. Since everyone has hidden insecurities, people will feel more comfortable with someone who’s presented themselves as presumptuous to make up for their own worries.

 

Related Posts From Other Websites:
The Shy Person’s Guide to Making Friends at Work
Making a Good Friendship for Kids
10 Books That Will Help You Build Self Confidence
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